Now you will spring into my thoughts sometimes, random and unbidden. 'That sounds like something Ginger wrote once. It was just beautiful how she put it. She always had such a way with words...' Or, 'What a great show! I should have watched it when Andrew recommended it. Bet if I dug up that review it would make a lot more sense now. Gah... what year would that have been?' With a pang of remorse that grows sharper as more time passes, I will remember how lucky I was then to have such bright and interesting people in my life.
Situations have forced me to move back in with my parents, which is hard to deal after such a long time out on my own successfully. The decision to move back home came on the heels of what is now an extended stretch of unemployment; my first since -- well, being old enough work now that I think about it. Now that my ghetto car finally came apart at the seams at the beginning of this week, it's really my only option until I can get another with my income tax return arrives. Until it does I'll just try and grow from this barrage of roadblocks rather than let it completely ravage my self esteem.
This is the first time in my life since hitting adolescence that I've gone a full year single -- hell, and even celibate for that matter. Strangely enough, (or maybe not strangely, depending on how well you know me) I recognize this as the least of my worries. Nice as it would be to find myself already on my way towards building a family, or even just enjoying some wild romance, I've quietly accepted that I may have dreams to fulfill yet. Those dreams might be better accomplished without the demands and distraction of a spouse or child. If love lands in my lap and it's the True kind, of course I would not deny it. But I have no reason to hurry, either. I have decided that there is a truer version of myself being revealed, and one I would much rather be wearing when that potential soulmate and I trade first impressions.
More I see that it is not the lack of love but the lack of *meaningful friendships* in my life that was starting to wear me down. I think that inspite of myself, I learned what it is to be lonely. Not ready to slit my wrists mind you, or even prone to moping around about it... But I also could not go to a mall or a coffee shop anymore without feeling like I was a castaway adrift in a sea of strangers. Everywhere you look there are pairs and groups of people laughing, caring, connecting with one another...
The one truly fantastic thing I have to report is the fact that I DID finally get myself to college. It's the local community college, and only part time as I can afford the classes and books since it's all being paid for outta my pocket. But since I got back into school last spring I have maintained my flawless 4.0 average. I discovered (much to my surprise!) that, while it's still not my passion, I am a FINE math student! Now I see that it only seemed so impossible back in high school because I'd fallen so far behind. I didn't understand then that learning how to do math was such a collaborative process. I had really managed to convince myself that I was stupid and incapable, and suddenly being free of that burdensome opinion sparked a lot of new hope and motivation.
I'm not entirely convinced the whole of the problem is the miserable slump in the job market either, though it's certainly not helping. But also I am starting to understand that I was meant for better things than being a phone operator, or a claims specialist, or even a techie in the IT industry. The mundane, left-brained monotony of it was starting to get to me. I cannot skim the ever-so-practical State Jobs postings or skim all the administrative assistant and customer service ads in the classifieds without a feeling a shadow fall over my heart. I can now hear it clearer, the voice of my soul whispering its gentle reminders. It tells me that I am a creative spirit. I have insight and ingenuity and an uncommon talent for written AND visual expression. I hear a warning: these jobs I am considering would only ignore and perhaps eventually stifle the very traits that make me special. Suddenly I cannot shake the notion that there is a real danger in considering these opportunities! And the threat is that I might easily grow comfortable. I might come to depend on a certain standard of living, I may gain senority or promotions, all just trappings that may suddenly feel "too good to lose". Then I will be trapped, like so many others, in a life that falls far short of the one I could have reached if only I'd dared to follow my aspirations.
Two weeks ago something happened to ease my loneliness dramatically. All thanks to a recent reunion. Amy, you have NO IDEA how grateful I am to have you and Derek back in my life! In your case I had truly convinced myself that because of Summer and I you were just not comfortable being my friend anymore. But where so many times I had imagined such awkwardness and shame hanging inevitably over our reunion, I found there was only shock and gladness. I only had to get over my own surprise at having been so wrong, and then it felt so familiar and comfortable with you it was as if we'd never parted. How very wonderful to have been wrong!
Thus, now I am trying to follow Amy's example of bravery. I am going to reach out even though all the time that has passed still intimidates me, and I hope I will . I've tried my best to cover the "How have you been" for my part... I do hope it pays out and some more of my favorite long lost people come out of the woodwork to tell me how life's been treating them.
Hello, if you are out there! I still do avoid phones and do not use any instant messengers at the moment... but my most often checked email address is: email@example.com
Though my playtime is sporadic, here's my current alts on World of Warcraft:
ARGENT DAWN - Val, Bauble, Gadget, Garnet, Notch
TWISTING NETHER - Meredith, Zenda, Dodge
Ums, and finally here's some art: http://home.columbus.rr.com/technohippie/creative/art/
(Hehe, I snuck Trace into my final project for my Drawing Class.) :D
Well... that's all.